Years before our separation and divorce my ex-husband stopped celebrating our anniversary. He said he had no interest in it. I would still make an attempt every year because I kept trying to heal the brokenness with every tool at my disposal. The last year I tried I created a basket of all his favorite foods–Mongolian fried dumplings and Mongolian salads, cherries, wine and brandy. I had cigars and candles and music. And I set up a little picnic in the backyard. I invited him to the table I had prepared. He said, “What the hell is this?” I reminded him it was our anniversary. He had some choice expletives but, he sat down, ate the food, smoked a cigar, and as the sun set he told me all the reasons he despised me. It went on until the moon rose and the stars came out. When he went inside, I stood alone in our backyard, tears rolling down my cheeks and said, “OK, Lord. It’s yours now.”
From that time on, I never tried to celebrate our anniversary. But I have never dismissed the day. It is still a day I mark faithfully, religiously. Yet, I never mark it with sadness. The kids and I redeemed that day and call it the birthday of our family. We celebrate like a birthday party. Cake, candles, champagne for the big people, mocktails for the littles. We go around the table and everyone says what they love about our family. Often it ends with a living room dance party, which is our little tribe’s default. We cannot help ourselves.
In this way I affirm that although my marriage did not work out, although it was riddled with brokenness from the beginning, and although the Church has ruled it null, I do not for a moment regret my tribe. My beautiful, loud, tender tribe. To celebrate the act that gave me this family–even though the act itself is tinged with grief–is to say to God, “Thank you.” Thank you for the unmerited blessing of being allowed to raise these children, to delight in their warmth, to hold them close to my heart, to teach them your ways. Who am I that I get the abundance of their tenderness and their humor? I get to walk them through their sorrows and rejoice with them in their victories. I get to be a steward of their growth and see them launch into the world, tucked into the Sacred Heart. This family is a blessing. I can only say, “Look what God has done.”
This is the Lord’s doing;
Psalm 118:23
it is marvelous in our eyes.
Last year, two days before the birthday of our family, I got the notice from the Tribunal that my marriage was annulled. There was a combination of crying and laughter as I soaked up an intense sense of freedom I have never known.
I was willing to carry the cross of my marriage if Holy Mother Church said it was mine to carry. But I was also committed to not rely on my own wisdom and authority, but the submit myself to the wisdom and authority of the Church. Christ through the Church set me free.
On my way home to celebrate the birthday party I stopped at the store for champagne. I bought the one called Patriarche. It made me joyful as we raised a toast to our family and to the authority of the Church that brought healing and wholeness.
The birthday of the family is coming up this weekend. The spirit is one full of so much gratitude for how far we have come as a family. This isn’t something I could ever imagine. We owe it all to the Sacred Heart. We are tucked in him behind the thorns–which we also passed through. Happy Birthday to my little tribe. I am forever and ever grateful to be your mom.
reconciling things 