reconciling things

On May 5 last year I posted a reel to Instagram where I said that I had never been on a date. (Here) Understandably people were like “Wait what?” I was married for nearly 20 years. I have nine children. And I had never been on an actual date, not counting “married dates” which is not what most people mean by dating. It was perhaps the first time I had publicly addressed the Protestant Purity Culture of which I was a part. I have since made several little reels addressing some of those themes and my rejection of that toxic soup of a cultural movement. (Here and here) It’s easy to call out Josh Harris, but honestly, he was late to the party. His infamous “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” wasn’t published until 1997. There were other prominent figures in the movement way before this. I read my first book on the subject around 1992. I consumed countless articles, books, and sermons on the topic. I went to seminars. And I taught the material. I actively promoted this as not only a way to approach marriage, but as THE way to approach marriage.

By the time I stood at the altar being married at 21 I was completely ensconced in this cultural movement. I said vows to a man I essentially did not know. In fact, up until the week before my wedding I had never even been alone with him. Our relationship was the gold standard. Articles were written about it. Ashamedly we held ourselves up as a standard. This is how you do it. This is the right way. Look how happy we are. We are happy because we played by all the rules.

Except we weren’t. There were deep problems from day one, problems I have spent four years in therapy unraveling, uncovering, healing from. Levels of abuse I am not going to share here (y’all can wait for the Netflix Original) made it impossible for a lasting and valid bond to be made. This was confirmed by the Roman Catholic Tribunal who ruled my marriage null two years ago. It was a process of deep and significant healing.

Protestant Purity Culture

I should clarify why I refer to it as Protestant Purity Culture and not just Purity Culture. Sure, these erroneous ideas can pop up in a variety of religious contexts. It doesn’t exclusively manifest itself in Protestant communities. However, the basis of it is Protestantism. My apologies to my Protestant friends and loved ones, but this is how I see it. I am by no means attacking individuals, but rather foundational ideas and principles. The idea that one need the Bible Alone (sola scriptura) for faith and that the Bible can be interpreted by anyone and everyone equally is the basis of Protestantism, which lead to the eisegesis used to harm so many people. (I include myself in the number of those harmed and the number of those who harmed others. For that I am profoundly sorry.)

As opposed to historic Christianity which holds that Sacred Tradition and the Magisterium is part of the deposit of faith. The Bible is to be understood in this way. Without Sacred Tradition and the teaching authority of the Church we don’t know how to apply what the Bible is saying.

In rejecting this Protestant Purity Culture I am not rejecting purity, the theology of the body, the beauty of Christian marriage, or transcendent truth of male and female made in the image of God. I have not become a deconstructionist. Not in the least. What I have become is a Catholic. In becoming a Catholic I have inherited this beautiful thing called The Catechism which has some of the most life affirming words you’ll ever read. In particular let’s look on the definition of marriage, which is called a Sacrament at the service of communion.

“The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.” CCC 1601

The Catholic view of marriage is one of wholeness. It is whole individuals who are willing and able to give full consent to the Sacrament, entering into a partnership for and of the whole of life, ordered toward the good of one another and the self. This is two people who want to help one another reach heaven. It is wholly unselfish and a way that the efficacious grace of God is manifest in the world.

Recently I found the seminar notes from a seminar I attended in the early 90s by Pastor Reb Bradley. He wrote a book called “Dating Is It Worth The Risk?” This was originally published as a booklet in the 90s and relaunched in 2013. In this seminar called “Giving Your Children A Vision For Courtship” it defines marriage as “God’s means of legalizing romantic relationships.”

Just sit with that definition for a moment and compare with the Catechism’s elevation of marriage to the dignity of a sacrament. Think of the repercussions of viewing marriage in such a way. Romance outside marriage is illegal? How is a single person supposed to process their feelings, discern their vocation, find out who would make a suitable partner if such a process is then “illegal” before a God who becomes the equivalent of a heavenly meter maid ready to ticket you for parking outside the lines.

The Protestant Purity Culture’s answer to all social and sexual woes was termed “courtship” and it had very defined rules, extrapolated loosely from Scripture and imposed on others through fear. Dating was scary, almost guaranteed to lead to divorce. Pastor Bradley wrote, “Dating is like a minefield laden with live bombs that destroy or wound almost everyone who enters it.” I wonder what the stats are on “courtship” because everyone I know who partook in this vision of marriage has been harmed, most divorced, and all a little shellshocked. It did not lead to churches full of happy and holy people.

This is what is required for valid marriage according to this Protestant courtship system:

This is what is required according the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

“The parties to a marriage covenant are a baptized man and woman, free to contract marriage, who freely express their consent; “to be free” means: – not being under constraint; – not impeded by any natural or ecclesiastical law. The Church holds the exchange of consent between the spouses to be the indispensable element that “makes the marriage.” If consent is lacking there is no marriage.” CCC 1625-1626

Further it says individuals must be “free of coercion or grave external fear. No human power can substitute for this consent. If this freedom is lacking the marriage is invalid.” (CCC 1628)

Paper Hearts

I remember going to a True Love Waits rally where a girl had a big red paper heart. In the skit she met a boy and tore off a piece of her heart and gave it to him. They broke up so she walked on. Met a new boy and tore off a piece of her heart and gave him a piece of her heart. She even wandered through the audience of awkward teenagers tearing off pieces of her heart and giving the pieces to various boys. Meanwhile The One—the boy she was made for—waited silently on the stage with his own paper heart, completely intact. By the time she got back to the stage to face the gangly pimply man of her dreams she said “Here” and gave him her tiny shred of a heart. And he gave her full heart.

And this was the image of dating relationships. Continually shredding your heart until nothing is left.

Except, my heart is not made of paper. And Jesus is the one who makes all things new. Healing is real—even the deep grief of a 20 year abusive marriage can heal. My heart now is more whole than it was when I stood before a man I did not know and pledged my troth. I know and am still learning my belovedness. God really loves me, really sees me, really knows me. Because of who I am as an individual in his heart, my heart is now at the same time more available to love and more protected and at peace.

My First Date

In September of last year I had my first date. We went to Divine Liturgy then to the coast and took a walk on the pier. We wandered through antique stores, ate a bagged lunch, and took the long way home.

More of this healing process to come, so stay tuned here and on Instagram.

Meanwhile I wish you joyful dates if you are single that help you discern God’s will and gladden your heart with what is possible. If you are married I wish you peace and lasting connection with your love as you run toward heaven together. And if neither are your reality may Jesus preach his gospel of peace amongst the ruins of your heart so that you never lose sight of the healing that is possible.