reconciling things

Today is my birthday. I slept in and as my awareness slowly returned to me around 9am, there were tears in my eyes. I’m so grateful to be 46. I’m still here. Not only that, I’m happy. I like my life. That is the craziness thing I’ve ever heard, honestly and I never would have believed it. That’s not because I have ever had the idea that youth was a thing to be held onto. I don’t believe any anti-aging-propaganda. It’s because 1) I honestly struggled so hard to find an inner happiness and contentment and 2) I’ve always had an idea in the back of my mind that I would die young. Maybe that is because I’ve been chronically sick for so long and maybe it is because secretly I wished to be released from this life.

But here I am. Forty-six years old and so profoundly grateful.

Here are 46 little life lessons you can take or leave. I don’t want to be anyone’s guru in any way whatsoever. But I would like to be someone’s woodland godmother who dispenses little sprinkles of grace to the day like sugar sprinkled on oatmeal. These are in no particular order of importance.

1. If someone pops into your mind seemingly out of the blue, you should say a Hail Mary for them. Do they need prayer, who knows?! But it never hurts to say a prayer.
2. If you haven’t heard from someone in a long time, a little text that just says “Hey. Love you.” goes a freaking long way in fighting off the isolation that is the blight of our world.
3. Never stop reading children’s literature. If possible read it aloud.
4. The Sacramental reality is more important than biology. So show up for the people in your church and those to whom you are bound by baptism. It turns out that very often those are the relationships that will save your life and get you to heaven.
5. Pay the extra for the avocado at restaurants. Even if your budget is tight, the extra buck will not break you, but the avocado may give you the will to live.
6. Tip your server at least 20% when you go out to eat. If the server is frazzled and having a terrible night tip him or her extra. No amount is too much. Because she’s having a bad night all her other tables will tip her less and she will go home defeated and the next night will be worse. But if you break the cycle with a, let’s say 75% tip, she will rebound, give better service to everyone else after that. You’ll be the unsung hero. Ballads will be written in your honor.
7. If you are feeling depressed and unmotivated make sure you change your sheets. Getting into a freshly made bed is sometimes pure magic.
8. If you invite people over for dinner or a party, don’t do the dishes until the next day. If you start washing up while they are there you crack the enchanted and delicate atmosphere of hospitality. Dishes are best done in the morning while you sip coffee spiked with whisky. It’s the gratitude ritual.
9. If your clothes don’t make you feel like a baddie, wear something else.
10. Don’t be afraid of color. Color in your home, colorful clothing, colorful jewelry. Life is too damn short for sad beige.
11. Ceremonies and rituals matter more than I ever imagined they could. Wedding Masses > Elopements. Funerals > Celebrations of Life. Baptisms > Dedications. Big life transitions require particular ways to mark them–for the living, for the dead, for God, for people, for your descendants. You may want to skip rituals because they are a hassle or difficult or painful or expensive. But you need to do them anyway, because our ancestors are watching and they literally died to give us these things.
12. Give up on the idea of fairness. It’s absolutely fucking exhausting to worry about things being fair–a waste of good energy.
13. There will be enough for you in life. Say it like a mantra if you have to.
14. Never look into your neighbors bowl unless it is to make sure they have enough, but not to make sure they don’t have more than you.
15. If someone says they are praying for you, just say thank you, even if you don’t share the same faith. Something like that is the very definition of good will.
16. If someone says they are sending you good vibes, just say thank you, even if you don’t think their particular vibes are very powerful, they do.
17. Make a playlist for every possible mood.
18. Taking magnesium before bed is more important than I originally thought.
19. You can’t have too many rocking chairs, in my opinion. I have six.
20. Gray hair is really beautiful.
21. Crows feet, smile lines, laugh lines are so sexy.
22. Exercise because it makes you feel good and because it helps you live in a more embodied way, not to fit into a swimsuit or to reduce whatever perceived imperfections.
23. There is no replacement for fresh air and sunshine.
24. I’ve worked more shit out climbing mountains than in therapy.
25. I believe in therapy. Sometimes you need an objective person to validate you or to tell you that you’re batshit crazy. So tell your heart to someone and let them help you sort it out.
26. If someone does not love babies and children, don’t let them into the deep places of your heart. Because inside all of us is a little child who needs tenderness. If they don’t show that tenderness to the little ones they can see, how will they treat the ones they can’t see?
27. The hardest thing in the world is learning to be OK with being misunderstood. The addiction to over-explaining oneself is hella difficult.
28. It’s OK to swear when appropriate. If you don’t scream “FUCK” into the the void now and then I think it causes IBS or something.
29. Don’t swear too much. You have to store that up for maximum effectiveness when you need it.
30. Never ever ever disrespect the Theotokos. Jesus doesn’t like it when you don’t love his mother.
31. Catholicism is more beautiful than any form of Protestantism. Sorry not sorry.
32. Protestant purity culture harmed way more hearts than it saved.
33. Talk to your guardian angel and patron saints all the time as if they were fully present to you, because they are.
34. When you’re really stressed or sad tea is more effective than booze. It’s science.
35. When you are really happy champagne is more effective than tea. I don’t make the rules.
36. If you don’t want to go to Liturgy, go anyway. It’s the rightly ordered worship of God, not about how you feel. (I whisper to myself as I get dressed on Sunday morning after a late Saturday night of work.)
37. Feed the people. Ask questions later.
38. Resist the impulse to be mad at your loved ones for not fulfilling expectations you did not articulate. How can anyone meet your unspoken needs?
39. Don’t self-censor. Refuse to do the dirty work of the tyrant for him.
40. It’s OK to be overtly religious. Don’t kowtow to a culture that is so enlightened it has forgotten how powerful reverence is.
41. Have all the things blessed. Candles, water, wine, salt, throats, animals, doorways. The season of planting seeds, the season of harvesting, the season of quietness. Have all the things blessed!
42. It’s not possible to wear too much jewelry. I will die on this hill.
43. If you hate drinking water, put some sprigs of herbs in it and a lemon slice. Now you have fancy water. You’ll still probably hate it, but now it’s fancy.
44. I think it is true that all you need is love. The problem is that most people don’t know what love is.
45. Living for yourself is the path to misery.
46. All things can be healed.

There you go.

Now go put on your baddest fit, pour a glass of something delicious, and raise a toast to being alive. We are living once and letting mercy find us. Breathe. Gratitude.