reconciling things

If I read one more post or article that begins, “No one tells you marriage would be this hard…” or “Why is no one talking about how hard marriage is…” I’m going to crash out. Because the idea of marriage being hard is ubiquitous, alongside the idea that motherhood is mostly a daily struggle of awfulness. If you didn’t realize that marriage would be hard then maybe your marriage prep was more about party planning and less about spiritual and personal development. Anyways….

This is not a post about how hard marriage is, because I’ve had two kinds of marriages. My first marriage (which was not valid in the eyes of God–Thank you Holy Mother Church) and my second marriage (where we were crowned at the altar of God and received Sacramental grace) cannot really be compared. Apples and oranges, you know? So, I won’t do it. I won’t insult your intelligence; I will let you read between the lines.

Marriage Appreciation

1. I love conflict resolution. I am zero percent afraid of conflict in my marriage. I can tell my husband what I am thinking and feeling and not feel punished. We can raise our voices and really hash something out–but there is no name calling, shaming, or fear. Emotions, yes. Fear, never. What a liberating thing it is to resolve conflict with the one you love and who loves you back! How is it that we can have a fight and I feel more loved after–rather than raw and intimidated? We never look for who wins the fight. We just look for connection.

“What kind of marriage can there be when the wife is afraid of her husband? What sort of satisfaction could a husband himself have if he lives with his wife as if she were a slave, and not with a. woman by her own free will? Suffer anything for her sake, but never disgrace her, for Christ never did this with the Church.” (St. John Chrysostom)

2. “Let’s pray” are the most beautiful words of every day. When he puts his arms around me and says our morning and evening prayers, it weaves a security in our “us” that cannot be matched. And he’s been leading us in prayer since the beginning of our relationship. In the morning we pray this Byzantine prayer:

Heavenly King, Comforter, Spirit of Truth, everywhere present and filling all things; Treasury of Blessings, and Giver of Life – come dwell in us, cleanse us from all stain, and save our souls, O Gracious One.

Holy God! Holy Mighty! Holy Immortal! Have mercy on us.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

In the evening we pray:

Jesus Christ our God, we adore you and thank you for all the graces you have given us this day. We offer you our sleep and all the moments of this night and we ask you to keep us from sin. We put ourselves within your Sacred Side and under the mantle of Our Lady. May your holy angels stand about us and keep us in peace. And may your blessings be upon us. Amen.

3. Doing nothing is the best. Sure, there is something cool about a well-crafted date complete with concert tickets and reservations. But being with someone that you can do nothing with is awesome. No plans, no agenda, no expectations.

Pop into that antique store over there and buy a vinyl of music to play to your houseplants.

Buy a treat at the Circle K.

Lay on the grass by the lake.

Fall asleep.

Most of our days off look much like this. It’s our date day, but we rarely have grand plans. And more often than not it includes a very long nap for one or both of us. This too is a great gift. Because being prone to fall asleep around the one you love is a sign that your cortisol is low and your sense of safety is high.

4. But also, I’ve never had less sleep. Get your mind out of the gutter. We don’t sleep because we cannot shut up. We say we are going to bed early because he has to get up early for work. We bring up our tea or night cap, close the door, start watching Big Bang or Whose Line, start laughing. Next thing we know the alarm is going off in 2 hours and we are going to hate ourselves. Or sometimes we do go to bed at a decent time, but one of us wakes up in the middle of the night to put out the cat or because we heard a noise. Next thing you know we are both fully awake and yapping. And maybe a bit hungry. Hey, pass me those chips. Do you still have those cookies hiding in here? It’s been a year long slumber party and the bags under my eyes tell the story.

5. It’s the little things. Life is mostly made up of little things. There are exalted moments of course. But mostly life is daily. It’s those tiny acts and moments of grace in the daily that make things so sweet. He makes sure there is always gas in my car. He plugs in my phone at night because I always fall asleep before I remember. When we go anywhere he makes sure I have my water and keeps snacks for me in the console of his car. I make him coffee in the mornings (unless I sleep in, then he brings coffee to me). I pick up his laundry from the floor every day (ladies, it’s so not a big deal to pick up your husband’s laundry. For goodness sake, don’t let that be the hill you die on!) and put his clean work shirt on his chair. I make sure his supplements arrive in the mail in time for each refill and place them on his nightstand.

It really is the little things. The things you never think to say “thank you” for because they are so common you take them for granted. But they are the things that make life a little more seasoned with grace. When he texts me from the driveway, “Come out here” and then we rush out together down the street to a yard sale to pick up some random piece of furniture we surely don’t need, but can’t pass up, I can’t help but say, “Marriage to you is so incredibly fun!”

6. I’m gaining weight. Now, this might not be on your marriage appreciation post. But as someone who has never been at a healthy weight and always hovered on the brink of needing intervention for being underweight, anemic, and undernourished, this is a true gift. Looking back I never felt safe enough to gain weight or eat well, despite trying! Even when my diet was on point, my body rejected nutrients. I’m not sure if my cortisol has ever been outside the fight or flight range my entire life–even into my childhood. And here I am, now I have a backside! Now I have curves. Now I feel nourished. And a beautiful side effect is that perhaps for the first time in my life I can sometimes sleep without dreaming. All my life I have greeted each morning a little exhausted from having worked all night in my sleep. I still dream a lot. But now I can also wake up most of the time feeling like I have actually rested. A regulated nervous system really is the gift that keeps giving!

What marriage has not done:

1. Healed me of all loneliness. Loneliness is part of the human condition. You cannot use marriage to solve it. Click here and here and here.

2. Insulated me from grief and hurt. There is a scene in Ocean’s Eleven where Danny Ocean (played by George Clooney) asks his ex-wife Tess (played by Julia Roberts) if her new husband makes her happy. He says, “Does he make you laugh?” She replies: “He doesn’t make me cry.” Which sounds nice, but also wildly out of touch with reality. The people we love most are a mixed bag. The ones who make you laugh often also make you cry, be it a spouse, a child, or a friend. If the people closest to you have not made you cry, you have probably locked up your heart safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness, to borrow from CS Lewis. If you want a love safe from pain, marriage is not for you.

“The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell.” (CS Lewis)

3. Made me happy. But, wait, you say! What about all the points above about how joyful and awesome and fun marriage is. It’s all true! Marriage has brought both of us much joy! But sustained happiness is too much of a burden to lay on anyone, most of all your spouse. Banish the idea of “Happy Wife-Happy Life.” If your happiness hangs on the actions or will of your spouse, you are going to find yourself frequently miserable.

This is the key to life right here, baby: Your happiness is not something given to you. Your own happiness is a gift you give to others. My children deserve a happy mother. My husband deserves a happy wife. And I hold the key to that happiness. I try daily to give them the best of my disposition. Yes, sometimes they see me sad (or stressed or anxious). But that just provides them the opportunity to see me CHOOSE HAPPINESS. This is a service to others. Victor Hugo wrote, “There is in this world no function more important than that of being charming. The forest glade would be incomplete without the humming-bird. To shed joy around, to radiate happiness, to cast light upon dark days, to be the golden thread of our destiny, and the very spirit of grace and harmony, is not this to render a service?”

Adjust your focus

If you are accustomed to the refrain “marriage is hard” indeed it will be, every single day. If your algorithm knows you respond to “marriage is hard” then all your content will be curated to reinforce that belief. But if both of you decide every day to wake up and serve each other, your family, your God then you can refocus on “marriage is awesome.”

Decide. Once and for good to keep your eyes always peeled for the blessings of your union. Don’t let little moments of gratitude pass you by. See. Notice. Give thanks. Reinforce. Let’s give marriage some better PR than the plaintive whimper of “Marriage is so so so hard. No one told me it would be this hard.” As a parent I don’t respond to whining. As a married woman, I refuse to as well, even when that whining comes from well-meaning content creators, marriage conferences, and self-help books. You can miss me with that.